Sharing

Will there be a time that you felt like you wanted to share something, yet you felt as if you had no one to share with?
You scrolled down the list of your friends, yet, you couldn't find one that you wanted to share with.
So, is it really that there's no one, or is it just that there's no one for you choose?
Emptiness comes from within. If you, yourself are the one feeling empty, then no matter how the world swirls around you, you'll still feel as if the world has stop.
So, why not, try to brace yourself up. Feel the world again, with your heart. You'll then feel that actually the world still has its warmth.

Pastime

What is your pastime or hobby?

Don't you think you frequently heard this question when you are school goer?
What are the things that you are doing during your free time.
After you have started work, you will still have people asking you what you do during your free time.
But do you realise that the thing you do during your free time as a kid/schooler, is something that interests you, and can make you just do that particular thing while ignoring other stuffs.
While, as a working adult or parent, the thing you do during your free time is actually something that you do to make you relax or offload your daily stress.

Try to compare your pastime before and after you become a working adult/parent.
How many of the working adults/parents still persist having their own pastime?
It ain't easy to juggle with current schedules on hand, whats more of having a pastime. For some, they might just want extra sleeps, that's all.

If given a chance, what pastime would you want to continue to have?
A pastime that really interests you that it can brings you into another world of your own.

Relación: complicado

Relationship : Complicated

Where am I in the relationship?
I don't know. It's complicated.

Treading carefully, as we don't know how deep is the water, or if there's anything beneath it.

De nuevo

We're back to usual life again. But I'm having myself to be caution. And I have to remind myself again and again, to beware of the landmine. Else, I am the one that might end up being seriously injured.

I do know that marriage is not an easy thing. There have been lotsa examples around me. Yet, marriage is like life, which everyone is living uniquely. So, sometimes, it is just incomparable.
I do know there should be tolerance as well as giving in and forgiveness from time to time. Yet, how many times can we last and how strong can we be?

I can only say for now, that to take a step at a time. I can't foresee what future will be, but I do know that God will only give us test that makes us stronger, and not test that breaks us.

May God bless.

Prisión día dos

Commit suicide and killing others are prohibited by all types of religions.

Having fresh air out of the house is indeed good. There are other things that can occupied your mind, leading you away from depression, and somehow, more or less it can help to subside the anger and the helplessness.

But I just simply cannot understand why.
Why, why, why.
Why the sense of possession and the sense of control is so overwhelming? It's making me breathless.

Prisión día uno

Commit suicide and killing others are prohibited by all types of religions.

What's the use of living in safe environment, when you don't even feel safe in your own home.
What's having your own home, when it feels like prison.
What's the use of home cooked food, when you don't feel full after eating it.
What's the use of having a clean home, when you feel dirty inside it.

Wish you...

If we depart, wish you find another spouse who is an orphan, whom doesn't need to know how to work nor drive, so that she can be a 100% full housewife. Be she the one that does not have any opinions of herself that will neither defies you nor makes you angry. May you both have plenty of children that you wants, that will not act anything against your wishand follow your mood accordingly.

May God bless you.

And may God bless the day we depart from you.

Stay positive

Stay positive.. Stay positive..
Trying to pysco myself, for the sake of LO. Yet, I don't know how long I can last..

The cycle keeps repeating, I'm tired of it. When will it end? Do I have to be the one who end it? If yes, damn, I sure regret the decision I made 9 years ago.

God, whose test is this? I'm literally going nuts every time it happens. I'm not sure how long I can last. I'm breaking down soon. I almost broke down.

Stressed

Stressed.. I'm feeling stressed.. Really feeling very stress..

Others might have wondered, "Why are you so stressed out? You don't really do much."

"Work?"
"Man, you should have know just to do what's within your scope. Everyone's doing theirs only, too. "
"Too much work? Feedback to your boss. We just work within working hours. Learn to delegate."
"We are all just taking salary, if work can't be done, there's nothing can be done then. We're being paid for the working hours only. No reason why you should work after working hours."

"Housework?"
"Hey, get a maid, give time to yourself."
"No maid, but ain't your spouse doing all the rest of the housework? You only cares for the kids, you should have lots of free time. How envious, all you need to do is only to care for your kids."

"Too much things to do?"
"Give priority. Those unimportant person or things, just put them aside. Those are just people or stuff temporary crossing your path, not that you'll need them, anyway."
"Priorities are only your closed family, first kids then spouse. The rest are actually not so important. Just meet or do them when you are free. They are around all time round, no hurry."

These are not the way I do things. That's not me. I cannot, and I simply can't follow it. That's not me!!!
Why, do I have to limit myself to do what others expect of me? Why is there even an expectation of me, which isn't even me.
I hate living within everyone else's expectations. Why can't I just do what I like?
Why not, just because there's a spouse and kids that I can no longer be me? Aren't they supposed to be my supportive aide instead of my prison?

Fire fighting

Have you been reflecting on yourself recently?
Opps, it's not the time yet? Because it's not year end?
Well, yeah, we usually get this question during year end, before starting the new year, hoping that we reflected what went wrong during the year, and what we could improve for the new year.
Boy, is that what everyone does?

Sometimes I do wondered, what should I be working towards to my golden age. But, I am same as others, am already suffocating from daily worries, who cared about golden age, when the current problems we are facing are not resolved, and can't seem to resolve.
Fire fighting.
Isn't that what most companies are doing? We as employees for the company are employed as fire fighters.
But why are we bringing the same culture into our personal lives?
Dont you all remember hearing preaches about fire is dangerous, and don't play with fire, cause you'll end up burning yourself.
Well, it's true, isn't it?

So, do you really want to live your own life, as if you are doing fire fighting daily?
How long can you last, while fighting it daily?
Even fire fighters are teaching us precautions towards fire, because they really do know the danger of fire.

Think again, fire fighters of life.

Working half day?

Came across a video shared out on FB today. It's about Indian working culture, where people working within the working hours are considered slacking while those staying behind till wee hours are considered hardworking and competent.
I like the part where it mentioned that we are being paid for the working hours, and hours after that are our own time. And there are other lives outside of our working environment, which we should be spending with our loved ones, learning up other skills.

It's true that there is still this kind of culture existing. Everywhere. But we can see that newer generations are fighting against this old working culture. However, there are also people taking advantage of this fight, to their own personal advantage. But still, there should be indeed a balance for this, work-life balance.
One spends about 16 to 20 years in study life, another 30 to 40 years in working life. And our whole life may be around 80 to 90 years only. If we had only studied during our study life, and only worked during our work life, then what would have happened to us?
There will be no such thing as spending time with loved ones, no such thing as hobby, no family and friends.
Having family and friend is not by having them as acquaintances , but is by spending time with them to nurture the relationships.
Having hobby is not by learning words about it or looking at the pictures if it, but is by spending time to learn, practice and appreciate it.

So, take a look at yourself.
Where are you during the off working hours?
Have you been given your best during your working hours, so that you can get off work on time?
Have you been overloaded with work unnoticed?
You are the master of your time. Don't let others affect you, make your own priorities in life.

Devil festival

Devil festival - what kind of festival is that, I wondered. For so long I'd lived, I've never  heard of it. Ohh, could it be the seventh month festival, the so-called hungry ghost festival.
After re-reading through what mum wrote, yeah, I'm sure she's trying to say about the hungry ghost festival. Oh boy, what a word to use.

I had been thinking about dad just few days before mum mentioned about praying to him for the hungry ghost festival.
Ohh, and had I mentioned that I had thought of him as well just one or two days before T mentioned her flight back was cancelled.
Scenes of him on the last night in the hospital kept playing back in my mind. The alertness of his eyes, the haggard look of his face.

This will be first seventh month praying we'll be doing for him. I wondered how simple should we make it, especially this round is quite a last minute request and arrangement.
I was also wondering what dad would had expected from us. Would he be commenting as usual, that "come when you are free" , "just do it simple and get it done la", etc.

Well, I need to prop my head high on pillow and start planning on things to buy for the prayers. Nothing much left since the last prayer. Had thought that the last prayer was for the 100th days, and the next would be next year. So, was actually quite unprepared. Though, I'd thought before, if T had came back, I would have suggested a prayer when she is around.

Ahh, and last 2 weeks, one of the light bulb suddenly blew off in the old house - unexpectedly. Light bulb blewn off is in fact quite normal, but what was abnormal is that the (glass) lamp shattered as well, all around the floor. And I wondered what was it that had pissed dad off. Whoops, just a casual remark.

Well, time to ready for tomorrow's visit.

Poor LO

It's the first time we shouted to each other in front of lo. And lo stared back at us looking confused then murmured a few sounds with reddish eyes.
It all started because lo was not eating well that day, which isn't the first time, actually. But when he started to lecture my way of feeding, that's the trigger point. Feeling frustrated, I purposely shoved down the food at lo, though feeling pity for lo, but I was too angry at that time. So, my poor lo end up being the victim.
Since then, on and off, lo seems to show dislike for eating. It's not the usual fussy on eating and wanted to play, but it's like totally rejecting the food. Not sure whether it's just a coincidence that lo is not hungry, or it's sort of like trauma from the incident.
Guess we can only wait patiently and see, if lo shows any improvement.

Wish you just enough..

Came across a touching video today, which it tells a story of a passerby who witnessed a goodbye exchange between an elderly woman and her daughter wishing each other just enough.
The story incorporated Bob Perkins poem of "I wish you just enough".
An interesting way to relate to the poem, which you'll find definitely agree with it.

I wish you just enough
By: Bob Perkins

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how grey the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

Happy father's day

Happy father's day!!

As long as I remembered, ever since I started work, I would call you up for all occasions. Even though it would just be for a wish or a line or two.
Not sure if you had find me bothersome, or had you been happy to pick up such a nuisance call now and then.
Guess the habit picked up as I stayed faraway, and knowing that you were always alone.

This year onwards, no more calls for me to make. I'll sure miss the days and calls, and you, too, dad!

And there seems to be no more dream of you as well. From the thoughtful episode of you telling us that angpow can be given to family members even though we were still in mourning to the hilarious episode of you still needing money to service your car and request us to bank in to you.
Dreaming of you is sort of like a consolation, as if you were still around.

But guess that memory is still memory. Life goes on with memories staying with us.
May wherever you are now, hope that you're happy and peaceful. Do rest in peace.

Another chapter to close..

It's finalized. That's the end of it, after two days of procrastination.
It had been a short journey, but still, it will be a journey that will etched in the memory forever.

I've been waiting with anticipation as time passed by.
Two weeks passed the expected due date. Good sign.
Four weeks already? Great!
I've planned maybe to wait till the 7th week, then we'll do the test ourselves, and visit the gynae on the 8th week. Like that, it'll ease up some tension, and the survival rate is higher, right.

But that afternoon, found that there's brown discharge, then spotting followed. Hmm, was this the so-called implantation? But it's already in the 6th week. Hmm, two weeks late implantation? Is it possible?
Spotting getting slightly heavier. Self test done - positive. Great, as expected. Maybe it's good to drop by the gynae place.

Oh my, the news from the doctor is unexpected. The embryo is too small like a 3-4weeks size and no heartbeat detected yet. But doctor said, don't lose heart, maybe the little one is fighting for its chance, let's give it a 2 weeks time.
That day, spotting became bleeding, getting heavier as time passed by, yet, doesn't seem to be like the usual menstrual. Maybe it's still ok.

The next morning, stomach cramp seem to crawl by. The pain is quite intense just like period cramp. Oh God, is this the sign?
One hour later, I felt a gush of blood came out when I stood up. Oh my, if it's really so much blood, then I guess, the sign is very obvious now.
When I check on it, oh God, it wasn't blood. It was a chunk of tissue or liver lookalike. Oh my, oh my. Is this it? My little one?!
And surprisingly, after that, I can feel my whole self felt lighter, energized, as if I'm light enough to float around. And it's back to spotting again.

It took me another two days, to get myself out from denial. Well, as long as one hasn't seen a doctor, nothing is finalized, isn't it? There could still be miracle, wouldn't it? But deep down, I know it is over. The feeling of hunger from time to time seems to get lesser. The weight of the body seems to be reduced. Only the back sore seems to remain. And the sleepiness.

Me too, like others, will wonder what was it that I missed out? Was it the drink I took? Was it the light massage? Was it the food I ate? Was it the work stress of that last few days?

After reading through some articles and online forums, as well visited the doctor, I guess I can start moving on again. There are few words that stuck in my head
1) God only gives us challenges that we can handle
2) There are indeed people who suffer worst than us, if they can be stronger, you can, too
3) It's not your fault, it really isn't
4) This is something that will be in your memory forever, so why take time to forget it? Move on. You'll recover when you hear the heartbeat of your next little one

I know, from time to time, I will think of my little 6th week, or 7th week to be exact, on the day it departed. Even though, I'm not sure you'll be a little boy or a little girl, but thank you for being with me, even though I only realized your existence for the last 3 weeks.
I'll still be sad whenever I come across similar news, but, I'll move on.
And even if I've moved on, you'll be a part of my memory, forever.

Correlation

I just wondered if one's like, dislike and habit can really relate back to one's childhood and upbringing.

Have you ever wondered, why do you like to do something or why you dislike something.
For instance, you like to venture out from home.
Do you, during your childhood time, your parents always bring you out to have fun?
Or do you, during your childhood time, you always stuck at home but wishing you are out?
It may be the positive or negative thinking that got you wanted something or to be doing something.

If one's personality is shaped up during childhood, then what do you want for your next generation?
Wouldn't you want them to be a better you?
But do realized that, everyone is different and unique. They can and should be better, but not a better of you, but a better of themselves.
Therefore, it's best to educate them in proper way, let them know they are in control of their personality and can be a better self.

Don't be a victim of circumstances. You can be a better you.

Torn in between..

What's the feeling of being torn in between two parties?
That you don't know whom to side with,
That whichever one you side with will seem incorrect,
That choosing either side makes you miserable.

Why do we always get trap in this kind of situations, and why it keeps happening all the times?
Is the only way out of it is to live in solidarity?
And acting ignorant doesn't help at all.

Is it really hard to live peacefully?
What will happen if we leave things as it is?
Will it cause another war to erupt, which we will end up be trapped inside again.
Vicious cycle.

God bless.

Long weekend

It's long weekend break, a cause of celebration, yet it felt like no celebration need to be done.

I feel like telling the whole world, how I lost you. Yet, something withhold me, urging me to remain silent. Had I wanted sympathy? Had I wanted consolation? Had I just wanted to outburst my emotions? I've no idea at all.

Dad, it's been a month since you left us. Has it been long? I'm not sure. But do rest assured that we still do think of you, now and then. Hope that you are doing well at the other side. Hope there's no more pain and misery. We will take care of ourselves as usual. Don't worry for us. I'm sure you'll be thinking of the same, too, that we should know how to take care of ourselves by now, as we've all grown up.

Did I tell you that, that day out of the blue, I just feel so sad that the tears just rolled down unknowingly, because I recalled the day before you left us until your very last moment with us. The images are still so vivid and fresh in mind, and the words are so clear in the mind.

Did you know that we had visited the restaurant that you used to bring us go last time? I think it had been ages since we have last gone there. It was one of your favourite eating places as its business hours starts quite early. A good place to go for meal before the sun sets. Guess it'll be one of our eating places now, when we run out of ideas of where to eat.

It just feel better, to put thoughts in words.

It hasn't been long, has it?

How many days have passed?
To be honest, I'm not sure. I gotta open up the calendar and take a look.
24th day today..

How have we been doing?
Days still go by, tasks still need to be done.
Many mostly have kids, which will somehow take off our minds from sadness to madness..

But sure there will be times when we are alone, times when related news appears and trigger our memories.
Then, sadness is back visiting again.
Guess it's more apparent nowadays as coming weekend is our first ancestors worship day.
On and off there's short chat about the event for that day. Though it's just normal chat, but can feel the lingering sadness.

And think of it, there's actually not much things done since then. Everyone just resume back their original live schedule. Just that there's now an empty slot in everyone's list.

The faraway no longer has the luxury of someone waiting for arrival. The nearby no longer has the routine call to make. The others no longer has the excuse to drop by.
The habits that we were all so used to, has now broken.

Guess all the scheduled prayers are not a bad idea after all. Though it'll take up some time for preparation, but it just somehow transform the same slot, into something else, and not leaving it totally empty. Guess it's true that prayers are more of like meant for the living, to let us know how to carry on.

Looking forward for this weekend.
It hasn't been long, has it?

Gracias Padre

A week has passed by. And it actually seems so fast.
As the days were passing by, there are actually words that I wished to tell you but I simply can't say it out, words that I wished to pen down so that it etched in the memory but it actually took me so long to do it.

Thank you.
Thank you for letting us to celebrate your last Chinese New Year with you.
Thank you for holding on and waited for all of us to send you off.
Thank you for not suffering at your very last heartbeat.

Sorry.
Sorry for lying and raising my voice so that you'll have food to eat.
Sorry for leaving you so that you won't be alone unguarded.
Sorry for not visiting earlier so that you won't feel being abandon.

I'm thankful I made the right decision to come back, so that I'm there for you when you need me, all these years.
Thank you for letting me to hold your hands through all these.
Yet, I still wished I could do more, though I know I'm limited with my other responsibilities.

Don't worry that you'll be forgotten after the 100 days. Cause you'll be forever in our memory. We'll keep all the happy memories and will continue to recall them from time to time.
I'll definitely miss you but I'm glad that you do not need to suffer anymore, no more pain, no more fear.
And may God bring you to a much better place. And may you be in peace.

Life is a cycle which when begins, will definitely ends.

Hospital

It's airy here.. Sun shining through the windows. Pink reddish curtains tied neatly at the windows. Pastel orange curtains hang between the beds moving as the wind blows. The soft sound of chit chatting at the background. Then the sound of prayers.

He's currently sleeping. Tired? Maybe. Sedated? Maybe.
He's really looking way much better than last week. Shaved head and moustache. Clean nails, hands and feet. He must have not known he's actually so clean, compared to the previous him. Uncombed and messy hair, haggard and dirty look. God knows how long he hasn't bath at that time. Maybe he'll actually be surprised if there's a photo comparing the two looks.

Looking around, I wonder what's the story of the people around here. Waiting to recover? Waiting to have operation or therapy? Or waiting to die?

He seems to be here waiting to die. Doctor said there are nothing much they can do. And it's actually too late to take any preventive steps. What should he do? What else can we do for him? Hope that he's not in pain, not suffering. Hope all the close ones can reach in time to see him.
But he looks alright to me. Just only that he's sleeping all the time. Tossing his head left and right, as if trying to get a nice sleeping position on the pillow. Or is he dreaming?

Ambulance siren can be heard now and then.
Ahh, finally some footsteps sounds. Kids running by. More audible chit chatting sounds.
Visiting hours.

What's next? I don't know, maybe I just don't want to know. I feared what's to happen - be it good one or bad one.
May God point us to the right direction, and continue to give us strength to carry on.

God bless.

Tired

Wonder what's been going on, that makes you feel tired on everything you do or even think.
Is this consider stress also?

The tiredness that's been lingering around, makes you feel don't even want to bother with anything, not to say to celebrate an event.

You just wish to be in a deep slumber...

Mentally exhausted

I'd never imagine myself being able to make such a drastic move in such a short time.
Who would have thought so?

Growing up in eastern countries, we were taught from young to be filial to parents. We were exposed to living with elderly parents and grandparents, respect them, listen to them obediently without questioning them. Whatever opposed to that means you are an ungrateful child.

As time goes by, media also trying to get the same idea knock into youngsters heads, as more and more news of neglected elderly are found and abusing of fragile old folks appearing. Old folks home starting sprouting out like mushrooms, while on the other hand, news of pitiful elderly cast aside in old folks home also increase.
Advertisement, drama shows, news, variety shows, all trying to slot in positive vibes of being with your elderly parents.

But, is this really the whole picture?

After weeks of indecisive, today I've send my parent to nursing home. Maybe to some, nursing home is the same as old folks home, but it's not. Nursing home is place you put your elderly hoping that they are nurse back to health before you pick them back again.
To some I may seem cruel, even I myself felt so, when I left my parent there. But that place is my only hope left - that my parent will soon regain his able mind and body, and find purpose in life again.
It's painful to see him wasting his life away at home alone, not knowing who to turn to, with passing people giving him false idea and hope.

It was already devastating to learn that the parent whom I thought can face the world alone fearlessly, now turn into someone that only hides in his room, cast the outside world aside, keep thinking he's sick and wanted medical attention.
How can someone so proud of himself, defeated cancer once, now succumbed into someone so fragile.

And it's so easy for others to think why we are so heartless to put him into nursing home. But do we really had other better choices, before things get worse? If I am one with no other responsibilities, I may have chosen the path to take care of him, but I might have also used the wrong way.
After visiting the nursing home, I realised that sometimes, elderly may not be right. Giving in to them, may not be the right thing to do as well. And it actually does no good for both sides, as both will end up getting tired, hurt and frustrated by end of the day.

Decision made and action taken. Only God knows if it's the best way out.
May God bless.

New Year 2018

2017 was like taking the first step into a whole new journey. Embarking on this journey is like a one way ticket train, with no turning back. It had been a year full of learning, weariness, hope and struggle.
2018 will be a better year, as three of us learn to love and grow together. Looking forward for the new year.