31.12.2020

What does 2020 means to you?

Coming to last day of the year, that's a really common question that everyone will ask. 

But this year is indeed special, unlike any other years. People in this generation will sure remember this special year. Though we are not like our forefathers who fought real wars, we ourselves are facing war, too, just that this war is against something we cannot see with our naked eyes.

2020...

First time having like and dislike of working from home. Usually I would loved the idea, but with distractions at home, it's really no fun at all.

First time feeling grateful of a departure. If dad is still around, I'm not sure how he could survived in this and it would definitely be devastating if he happened to suffer during this period of time, which I'm grateful we don't have to endure this possibility at all.

First time enjoying online shopping, though not that enjoyable. Sometimes it's frustrating to view the product one by one, instead of having the option to view everything at a glance.

2021...

What should we look forward to?

A better you and me. 

breather

When do you think, you need a breather?

When you start to think that death is a better option. 

becareful.. he will fall..

"Becareful, he will fall. Better just carry him." That's the inner voice of most parents, the innerself that always want to protect their child from any harm or hurt.

But for me, I would rather think differently. I'm not afraid of him falling. Instead, I'm afraid that he's scared of falling and doesn't know how to pick himself up. And another thought of mine, I'm afraid he doesn't know the right way of falling. 

Falling down, literally or not, is a common thing for everyone. Not only kids but adults, too. If one is afraid of falling, then he will never dare to take the next step. If one doesn't know how to pick himself up after falling, he will be forever sitting on the ground, crying and lamenting on his fate. If one doesn't know the right way to fall, he will hurt himself unnecessarily and keep on falling again and again.

A simple care, sometimes, may end up to be hurting our child. We have been kids, and we are parents now. Most parents wouldn't want their children to go through their unfortunate fate, some parents wanted their children to hit the unreachable sky. 

Don't forget your innerchild voice, and you will understand what a child needs. A child needs and wants may sometimes seems ridiculous to you. But seriously, hadn't you? 

declutter

Declutter.. Declutter.. Declutter.. 

When will I start to declutter? I think I have to keep repeating the mantra to myself in order for me to have the motivation to start decluttering.

Things will only get accumulate as time goes by. And our job is.. declutter now and then. Not only declutter physical stuffs, but also declutter our mind.

Come on, you can do it.

Doing it is always better than just thinking about it. 

crippled

Who is the third person you would love and trust?

The first and second usually are our parents, while the third usually would be our spouse in life. This might be exclusive for those with siblings and close relatives. 

And what would it feel like to be crippled by the person you are supposed to be loved and trusted with?

Am I to say that I am lucky that I'm not physically crippled? But how does it feel instead to be emotionally and mentally crippled.

I've tried to be a bit more open up, at least within the family, so that I won't end up bottling everything inside me, and for those who knows me well, will know what my characteristics are. But now I can totally give up that idea, totally, and forever.

It's not the first time I tried, nor the second time. But as we know, once bitten, twice shy. I have enough, and enough is enough. I don't care now if you are totally unaware of my life outside home or inside my head, and not that you would care either. Then fine.

I'll just continue my life as it is, with a double persona. I'm used to it anyway, tried to change, but found no encouragement and received criticism, and find no reason to change now. 

bad parents

Are we the only bad parents around? Or is it that only our children are misbehave? Or is it really that all the other children are indeed angels? Else is it that the rest of the parents are actually angels in disguise?

I don't know what would our children be thinking of us as their parents when they grow up - verbal abusers? Physical abusers? Emotional monsters? Illogical monsters? Arghhh, it is really physically and mentally draining trying to cope with them.

I used to think my parents are monsters, too, typically my mom, guess because she's the household disciplinary teacher, no one is to go against her wishes, and no one is above her martial law. Her words are always the final one, irregardless of whether it is reasonable or not, not that she care though. 

Now, as a parent, I tried to be reasonable, giving all kind of explanations on why some things cannot be done, and why some things need to be done. But all fell into deaf ears. I felt as if all the efforts are going down into the drain, and it only works when the kiddos are being threaten.

Jeez, this ain't right, but what went wrong? I feel like burying myself in the pillow and scream my head off. What the hell is happening?

I can swear, all day long (and even night), you will only be hearing shouting, screaming, swearing and crying from my house, while the rest of the houses on the street are as quiet as an empty shell. Gosh, are my kids the only monsters on earth? Or, jeez, are we the only monsters on earth harming the innocent souls.

Parents' life with kids, is really ain't easy. 

who are you?

When we were younger, as a kid, we don't really define ourselves, as we are still struggling to catch up with the various hands-on day to day learning, trying to gain experience of growing up.

As we get older, as a parent, we don't have time to define ourselves, as we are struggling to juggle all the never ending responsibilities, trying to live through the day.

So, the best time of our lives to define ourselves, are actually during our prime years. 

And yet, those are the highlights of our life, as we are having the taste of freedom and ended up busy fascinating about this brand new world instead. 

Life is indeed short, and you will only say that after time passes you by. 

Define yourself, define your time, and you will find that time is actually waiting for you, waiting for the moment you realise who you really are. 

1 year passes by..

So fast, one year has gone by. You have now officially added one year to your age and started counting for the next one.

The same day of last year had been a long awaited day, on your arrival. And it went on with the sleepless night and juggling of the limited time on hand. Now sleep has roughly fall back to a better pattern, yet, hopefully still can be improved. Time is still an issue when comes to juggling between all the stuff that need to be done between family and work. 

May God bless. 

4 years before and 4 years after

The me of four years ago, definitely can't imagine the me who is four years after now. Flashing back of the previous me, who's just struggling with work and comparing with the current me who's juggling between work and family.

Life is indeed an ever growing experience and an unpredictable journey. One could have imagine the life one wants but when time comes, it might not be exactly as what you thought it should be. Yet one can't complain much about life, as you go through life the way you want it and not life going through it for you.

I've seen people making through their life, some going through, some slipping through. I wonder which category am I? 

tired

I'm tired..

I'm starting to feel tired mentally. Physically, no doubt it's tiring, but I'm trying to adjust from time to time due to various commitments. It's the mentally tiredness that make me losing focus and goal.

I'm tired of seeing mood swing that can happen 360° without eye blinking. I'm tired having to adjust with such a mood swing, when I myself is trying to adjust with my own set of tasks.

I hate it to core, and it will just make me more resistant. 

MCO

Everywhere in the world now, we have all countries having their own kind of MCO, be it called state of emergency, lockdown, restriction of movement, circuit breaker, etc. Where else, everyone also has their own interpretation for it, where some really do it responsibly, some trying to challenge the rules, some flouting the rules, etc.

For me, I try to do my due diligence. Even though I know it's tough handling LOs despite having to WFH, and even though I'm being spared from houseworks, I'm still struggling with the insufficient time, lack of sleep and even temperamental challenge.

Still now and then, there seems to be more time to scroll through my FB compared to non-MCO time. How irony. But, still did not manage to do any better, than extra fingers exercise.

These are the times you see some people doing extra stuff that they don't usually do, aa they have more time on hand now, but of course it may not apply to all. Some whiping up delicious meals, some spending more time with kids, some catching up more dramas, some doing more (net) surfing, some losses more hair (due to chaos in household), while some still busy at work due to their involvement in essential business needs.

This caught me wondering, what would dad do, if he's around during this MCO. Had he been living alone, I'll be worried whether he manage to stock up food, whether he has enough face masks to use, how to reschedule his doctor appointments, what happened if he had any accident at home (but lucky he had good neighbours). However, had he been well amd healthy, I can imagine him telling me back, all is good, he had been following up on the news, and telling me to take care as well. So, for once, I'm actually thankful that he doesn't need to go through this. As I'm sure we will all be nervous, thinking of him staying by himself throughout the whole MCO. 

Hope all of us can get through this MCO safe and healthy. 

world peace

The phrase "world peace" always remind me of Miss Universe, which they always like to mention throughout the show. It sounds kinda corny to me, as it seems like every year's Miss Universe would say the same phrase over and over, and I just can't gather what is so great about this phrase, as in this generation that we are at now, we are literally living in the world without war (awwh, except for just that few countries). 

But right now, I really hope for world peace.

I'm sure every single one of us which is living in this era, is aware that the world is fighting with a novel coronavirus, codenamed Covid-19. Originated from Wuhan, China which has now spread across the whole world. A war human race is fighting against with something that is not visible to our naked eye. A virus that does not judge by nationality, religion, gender or age - and is only assisted by the insensible ones. And we are racing against time. 

This is as if a mega epic drama unfold, with surprises being thrown out at every turn of the show. Wonder if any filmmaker would do a documentary on this, and who knows, it might turn into a box-office-hit.

Nonsense aside. 

Guess that most have also realized that, while mankind is suffering now, mother earth on the other hand, is recovering. It would be great to have this documentary to remind the next generation - karma. 

We are living off mother earth and despite not appreacting it, we seem to even exploit it further. 

Human race is the same, regardless of our nationality and religion, when we are being confront by mother nature.

God will only help us, if we help ourselves, so stop being ignorant.

World peace, please - this would be my birthday wish for the year of 2020.

A busy day..

A busy day. A day full of plans and surprisingly, I would say that almost 80% of the full day plan is accomplished, unexpectedly. I wondered why I would think so. Is it because I usually don't plan or is it that I always don't dare to plan. Haha, I wondered which is which.

Anyway it has been a good and quite fulfilling day! A toast to myself! 

Terrible Sore Throat

This should be the worst sore throat that I ever had, and wouldn't want to encounter it again, ever.

It's like having wounds in your throat, that you keep on gushing salt water on it, over and over again, as if happily letting the wounds shrieking in pain, if the wounds could voice out their protests. 

Seriously I have no idea what is happening and I can't even see it. The worst of all is that I've visited the doctor twice, and so uncoincidentally seen by the same doctor, and the doctor diagnosis doesn't seems to satisfy me, nor have me to agree with their diagnosis as my symptom gotten worse instead of better. It makes me wonder if my initial statement of my guess of having caught HFMD had kept the doctor by the bay. I would have understand if the doctor wants to take extra caution when doing checkup, as they too, are fragile towards all these illnesses. But what I could not accept is they keep their distance when doing the checkup. Either they feel that based on their experience, doing checkup from a distance is sufficient, or, that they feel that they wanted to turn the patient away but couldn't do so face to face with the client.

I don't know what's the truth now. All I know is I'm still suffering after 3 days of medication and hopefully on the 4th day now, I'm on the road of recovery, else, I really don't know how to get my days by. 

First Day of 2020

Just browsed through the FB, and noticed almost all my friends have posted how their 2019 have been and what their new resolutions for 2020. Everyone seems to be able to give a wrap up for 2019 and a head start for 2020.

It's nice and fun to read through their posts, but I wondered, why had I not been wrapping up my 2019? Funnily enough, for the last 2 to 3 years, I haven't been especially excited on the crossing of new year. Except of diligently joining the bandwagon of the yearly new year greetings. And at the same time, I didn't really ponder much about new year resolutions as well. Having LO around, seems to sap up lots of the my time and energy, which I can't really be bothered about new year, other than their daily lives. 

Hmm, is this healthy? Or is the new year being commercialised too much? Well, I can't be the judge of this. But, rightmost priority is to see the LOs getting by their daily lives. Maybe at some point of time later, I'll slowly be able to regain back my enthusiasm for new year.

Till then, may all the new years come with a great start and end with a good way. Though I may be oblivious, still, I do hope for fair weather days throughout the year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2020!