It's finalized. That's the end of it, after two days of procrastination.
It had been a short journey, but still, it will be a journey that will etched in the memory forever.
I've been waiting with anticipation as time passed by.
Two weeks passed the expected due date. Good sign.
Four weeks already? Great!
I've planned maybe to wait till the 7th week, then we'll do the test ourselves, and visit the gynae on the 8th week. Like that, it'll ease up some tension, and the survival rate is higher, right.
But that afternoon, found that there's brown discharge, then spotting followed. Hmm, was this the so-called implantation? But it's already in the 6th week. Hmm, two weeks late implantation? Is it possible?
Spotting getting slightly heavier. Self test done - positive. Great, as expected. Maybe it's good to drop by the gynae place.
Oh my, the news from the doctor is unexpected. The embryo is too small like a 3-4weeks size and no heartbeat detected yet. But doctor said, don't lose heart, maybe the little one is fighting for its chance, let's give it a 2 weeks time.
That day, spotting became bleeding, getting heavier as time passed by, yet, doesn't seem to be like the usual menstrual. Maybe it's still ok.
The next morning, stomach cramp seem to crawl by. The pain is quite intense just like period cramp. Oh God, is this the sign?
One hour later, I felt a gush of blood came out when I stood up. Oh my, if it's really so much blood, then I guess, the sign is very obvious now.
When I check on it, oh God, it wasn't blood. It was a chunk of tissue or liver lookalike. Oh my, oh my. Is this it? My little one?!
And surprisingly, after that, I can feel my whole self felt lighter, energized, as if I'm light enough to float around. And it's back to spotting again.
It took me another two days, to get myself out from denial. Well, as long as one hasn't seen a doctor, nothing is finalized, isn't it? There could still be miracle, wouldn't it? But deep down, I know it is over. The feeling of hunger from time to time seems to get lesser. The weight of the body seems to be reduced. Only the back sore seems to remain. And the sleepiness.
Me too, like others, will wonder what was it that I missed out? Was it the drink I took? Was it the light massage? Was it the food I ate? Was it the work stress of that last few days?
After reading through some articles and online forums, as well visited the doctor, I guess I can start moving on again. There are few words that stuck in my head
1) God only gives us challenges that we can handle
2) There are indeed people who suffer worst than us, if they can be stronger, you can, too
3) It's not your fault, it really isn't
4) This is something that will be in your memory forever, so why take time to forget it? Move on. You'll recover when you hear the heartbeat of your next little one
I know, from time to time, I will think of my little 6th week, or 7th week to be exact, on the day it departed. Even though, I'm not sure you'll be a little boy or a little girl, but thank you for being with me, even though I only realized your existence for the last 3 weeks.
I'll still be sad whenever I come across similar news, but, I'll move on.
And even if I've moved on, you'll be a part of my memory, forever.
